Before I Was Born (Why I Said Yes to Jesus)
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
This call, this burning in my heart for the nations, did not suddenly appear one day. It has been a steady, building fire. As a young girl the Holy Spirit spoke to me words of destiny that I was called to be a missionary. I didn't know what that looked like then, but I did know that above else I was desperate for His presence, so I tucked those words inside and so began to burn.
Through the course of my life I've struggled through seasons of great pain and what seemed like pitch blackness. Yet Jesus' nearness and great grace has followed me through anxiety & depression, loss & great grief, deep wounds, and fear. By some divine mystery, rejection has lead me into communion, suffering to identification, and broken-heartedness to genuine love. He exchanges my ashes for His beauty, my sorrow for His joy.
Five years ago when I came to work in NYC the Lord asked me to lay down my dreams for the nations at the altar, trusting Him completely with my past, present, and future. Then much to my surprise, He began re-opening the door, giving me permission and every tool I needed. What emerged was not my dreams, but His in me: things that I had no business dreaming unless He meant to fulfill them. And as He began to speak and His words were like wine to my soul:
“[Urged on] by faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went forth to a place which he was destined to receive as an inheritance, and he went, although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go.”
God has confirmed this call over and over again in many ways and through many people. But the most precious of all are the words spoken to my heart by my Beloved Jesus. I live by, and hang onto, every word that comes from His mouth- they are the ones that melt my heart and set my eyes ablaze in love for Him. I go in partnership with Him, a bride at His side to touch the nations. I don't know where I am going, but He does, and I have learned to dance with Him in the fire and to wage war at His side through worship. I can trust Him with my life.
That's why I said yes, why there is a resounding yes that travels through the caverns of my soul whenever He calls me, wherever He calls. He is worthy.